A Free Spirit in a Mormon Household

A friend of mine asked me to write about my trials of being a free-spirit in a Mormon household and i couldn't be more intrigued...

This last week i moved out of my parents house and i have to say it was somewhat bittersweet. If life goes to plan, i should never have to use the phrase "I'm living with my parents" which now concludes that my childhood is officially up, despite i will always be their baby.

I grew up in a very Mormon family. It's so Mormon that when my grandma came for Thanksgiving dinners, we couldn't have martinelli bottles present because they looked too much like wine bottles. In addition, she's also very prejudice so when my parents got engaged she was not stoked because my mom was brown. She's a real treat my grandma..

So my folks married and had 6 very brown children, expect my brother Dan, Dan is pale and always will be. :) We grew up going to church everyday Sunday... my mom was always apart of our primary classes, my brothers were eagle scouts and my dad, their scout master. My sister and i were in Young Womens and went to girls camp and sang church songs and participated in church activities every Wednesday for mutual with jolly smiles.. I actually loved girls camp and i actually love the church i was raised in....

I love it, but i am no longer apart of it.

I waited till i was almost 18 to get my first kiss and it's fair to say that's when things changed for me. After graduating high school i went wild and started drinking, trying drugs, and gaining that self confidence i lacked all through high school. I could talk to guys and feel womanly doing it. (<< that sounds so stupid but it's the truth.) I liked who i was and liked what i was doing and the best part is my family had no idea. Then a few years ago i got a DUI and the cat got out of the bag... Tawnya's been drinking. "So if she's doing this, what else has she been doing?" It was a rough time for my family because of the lies and secrets that quickly became unveiled and i felt awful. I felt the distance between myself and my parents and most of all, the disappointment. Fortunately, parents forgive and if anything, it brought us closer.

So here i am typing this and what do i have to say.. Well basically, I don't attend church, i don't dress modestly if i don't want to and i wear a bikini and sometimes a sexy one piece. I drink alcohol, coffee and tea. I swear and I don't date Mormon guys. I don't plan on getting married in the temple and in fact, a beach wedding or garden wedding in the woods sounds perfect to me..(So does eloping). If my dad wants to talk religion i stop him in his tracks and all together it drives him nuts. I like the cross i wear around my neck and I have many tattoo ideas in my head for the purpose of being an artist not because its in trend. I don't want to be ashamed of who i am nor do i want them to be ashamed of me. I'm still the same person, the same little tawnya with a quirky personality and need for adventure. I still love my family and support them for their choices in choosing a religion that fits their lifestyle.

I respect my family to not drink in front of them but I still bring home guys that my dad still disapproves of because they aren't Mormon. They turn their head to things they don't approve of and i don't take offense to their sometimes judgmental comments. It wasn't so much a trial living at home but just recognizing our differences and accepting them.

I don't want to hurt my parents feelings by lying to them so i've chose to live by the saying of, "I'd rather be an open sinner than a false saint" and i'm stick'n to it. In all honesty i'll miss living with my parents and i'll miss how safe i felt when i was in their home. 25 years is a long time to spend with 2 people, but they were easily the best roommates i could have asked for.

This much is true.

This one's for the Soldiers

I'm going to write about something i never felt applied to me, a topic i don't know much about but want to express thought towards because it surrounds me everyday, something that surrounds us all and yet, we've all gone blind to see.

Tonight, I watched the film, Lone Survivor which is a movie based on a true story about soldiers in Afghanistan who went to fulfill a mission but rather, found themselves in a whirlwind of hell.

Generally speaking, Hollywood has a funny way of re-creating war. Typically they're intense but, i relate its intensity with the noise rather than that which is being portrayed. I've never been to war so i've never felt the extremities of it, nor have i tried to place myself in the shoes of someone who has. I don't know if it's the way this film was made or just the idea that i felt the need to do this, but i tried to replace the individuals in this film with someone i know or someone i could pretend to know... and come to my surprise, I felt complete remorse for have never fully appreciating the decision a soldier makes when going to war.

My initial impression of individuals joining the military, is that they do it with the intention and outlook of being able to have money for school, great benefits and future job opportunities. I know that sounds wrong of me to say, but i'm not the only one who hears this or maybe even believes this. A soldier reading this might say, "I do it for my country, you silly (or more honest term) dumb ass girl" and if that be the case, you appear to me as one of the few. Now i'm not saying our soldiers don't fight for our country, i'm just saying that I don't think it's until they're recruited that they fully understand that their petty reasons to join the military, are not the reasons they're there to fight.

Our world is so big and it's impossible to know everything good or evil that goes on within it.

My name is Tawnya Walton, and i live in Utah aka Happy Valley aka... a bubble.I don't know anything about whats going on in the war or any war for that matter. I've locked myself away from it because i hate the idea of being faced with the truth. I hate that there are evil people who kill over personal disagreement and over rights to have more power. I hate that kids are involved because of the influences left by adults who are supposed to be protectors. I hate that there are good people who die because of war and above all, i hate that somewhere out there, there is a "bad guy" who would shoot me because he's trained to, even though if he knew me or sat down and talked to me, he would probably appreciate my company and i, appreciate his.

I'm not an extreme hater (the term 'killer' sounds too much for my puss of a self to say). But by all means i'm not a lover either because i do have my dislikes.

I'm not perfect. People aren't perfect. The World isn't perfect.

Which is why i now understand why we have soldiers to fight for us. To fight for our land that would otherwise become a possible kill zone for others (not that it isn't already with gangs and criminals) but it's all we have. Our land and each other. So to our soldiers, my personal protectors whose names i do not know, and whose faces i'll never see.. Thank you for everything you do. Thank you for giving me the chance to look in a different direction and see beauty beyond comprehension that you've fought to protect. Thank you for my bubble.

And of course, my tribute to the anti-war protesters, 
The world is inevitably a sad place. It's not getting any better by any means and there will always be a person with hate in their heart.So put your signs down, take your flowers out of the muzzles of guns and place them on a soldiers grave. Work on creating peace within the space around you, an arms reach, a miles distance. There's a lot of violence in America and a lot of love worth hitting close to home, so save the big talk for the big guns and let our soldiers take the seas by storm.

That is all.

...and she was straightforward

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized media be?) i love telling people i dig them and telling people they are absolutely wonderful human beings and that i can't believe they really exist. I love saying "Kiss me harder", "You're an amazing person," and "You make my day." I live my life as straightforward as possible because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe that's weird. Maybe it's scary. Maybe it sounds just down right impossible... to let people know you want them or need them. To feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way, whether its your feet on their thighs while sitting on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in the keepsake of their hands. But this feeling, this rush and admiration there's nothing more beautiful, and there's nothing more risky than pretending not to care..

We are young, We are human, We are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans. We never know when the bus is coming...

Bearing a Superstar

I'm sick and my cold medicine hasn't taken its toll on my body yet to knock me out, so i figure in the mean time i'm going to dig into my brain and see what the hell i've buried in there... P.S. to any girl who likes having long nails real or fake, you're flat out NUTS!! Typing is WAYYY too hard and i feel like a secretary from a 1990's film who should have a bowl haircut and shoulder pads while i type this.

 Today i watched a Netflix Film called Moto 4 which interviews a bunch of professional motocross riders and in addition, has rad background music during their riding montages and it makes me go, MEOW! Anyway, watching this film has come to make me realize that if i ever have kids, i'm going to put all my money into them to make them bad ass superstars/ rockstars/ professionals whatever you want to call it and heres my reason....

All my lady friends would say skip the baby making, deforming your body and spending your cash part and just marry one NOW! but how many professionals/ rockstars/ whatever you want to call it say in their winning interviews, if it weren't for my girlfriend/ wife this wouldn't be possible... umm probably only the ones who are married and even thats cutting it close. Why? because its their parents they're thanking! We take parents for granted, they feed us, clothe us and most importantly, put up with our shit when we're being hellions and only abuse us when we've cost them more than $1000 in damages..and even then, they never kill us... At least that i know of.

Lately i've been hugging my mom whenever i see her because not only does she give great hugs but she just makes me happy and i haven't realized this till just recently. She may call me crazy or stupid for about almost every decision i've made, but she never stops me from doing it. If anything her lack of holding me back is what motivates me to do it more and do it better. Which is why i want to be a bad ass mom like that if the opportunity ever presents itself. Give my kid the world, make the ultimate sacrifice to be apart of something big, something great all in the hopes that it fullfills their ultimate dream that most parents would say, "Kid get a new hobby. A LESS EXPENSIVE HOBBY!!"

Heavy right? But honestly, I don't know anyone who hates their mother and if they do, i don't want to know them... Moms are rad. Period. Their cooking can sometimes be great or sometimes iffy but they have way too much love in their heart to go unnoticed. In addition, the mothers who create these superstars are strong willed, emotionally understanding and the ultimate peace makers when shit hits the fan..They motivate like hell and provide comfort when needed, so why wouldn't i want to strive to be that? 

Thought of the night. Love it or leave it.

013 and Our Relationship

 And Freeze...

Yes this photo is what it seems..

This here is the perfect picture to describe 2013 in a nut shell.. 

I was about to tell you the story behind this photo but after i wrote it and re-read it through, i decided  "oh HELL NOO" so its been deleted and needless to say, what a fucking year!

With a heart aching breakup, hospital visits, shitty school semesters and black out summers, it's hard to really recall my favorite moments.. So i wrote a letter to 2013 and provided you a few of my favorite highlights that were still in existence on my Iphone. Enjoy.

Dear 013'

We had good times together but, not really. You kicked my ass and whenever i think about you, a slight bit of disgust comes over my face and i'm pleased to call you over. However, to say you were a complete waste of time is a lie. You provided me with sweet musical jives, new friends, and the magical moments i shared with the beach, the water and the sun and for that, i thank you.

Sincerely your fondest memory,

Tawnya

 The G O O D

The B A D

and...

The ugly but then kinda pretty

and then of course a video of 013's few highlights that have still managed to move my soul and make me smile.