First Impression? Try Again.

Lately i've been getting told alot, "Wow, you know you're really smart Tawnya." 

ummmm.......WTF?

This isn't the first time i've sat shanking my head and thinking to myself, "Oh Tawn, what first impressions are you possibly giving to people that cause them to be dumbfounded by your intelligence?..."

As shocked i am to receive such a compliment, i take it with stride and run with it.

I grew up being extremely shy so it's fair to say i have observed many people in my life and have become very good at reading people. I can see ones insecurities, their lies, their worries, their happiness..exc. Facial expressions are abundant in people and its incredible how when paying close attention, you begin to notice how often people speak greatly with their eyes and how much more meaningful their words become. I feel that my years of being a listener have really blessed me to get to know the inner depth of people and in turn, it's allowed me to become more accepting and relateable to them. My love for people is astronomical and everyday becomes such a greater joy because i never know who's going to walk into my life and change, teach or advise me on something new and it's definitely become one of my finest reasons to wake up in the morning.

As for me, my first impression may not be the most graceful, wise or flat out honest interpretation of who i am but I appreciate those who go beyond their first thoughts and get to know me.  :)

Forgive me, for my childhood was silent which leaves me saturated in awkwardness and incompetence.

Tribute to A-Money

On friday my best friend is getting married so i decided to write an open blog about it and save myself the public humiliation of giving a speech that was not even asked of me, and crying due to my flask of emotion that'll be tucked in my left boob. (or lack of boob.)

To the best friend whom i speak of, Allee McGee.

8+ years ago i met Allee in a worthless highschool class known as aquaculture, a few months later our friendship would solidify in a Wendy's parking lot when we shared secrets, fun facts about ourselves and a Wendy's pack of chicken nuggets with ranch. Without knowing it, this fancy dinner date would lead to more dinner dates, new friends, more secrets, and some of the most silly/crazy/stupid nights that could be created in Utah County. Some of these nights consisted of crying, hiding from cops, holding championship titles in beer pong *KOBE* and mostly laughing and dancing.

To where time has gone, i dunno. I suppose that's why they say time flies when you're having fun. Allee has done more for me than just be a friend but has literally gone above and beyond to make sure that everytime we're together, i'm happy. With her witty sarcasm, random gifts of kindness, and constant ear for listening I can say she really is one of the most kind hearted and loving people i know. Because of this, my sarcastic wit flows more steadily and I forever have a pair of matching t-shirts as a reminder of where our friendship has been.

To help people who don't know Allee understand the type of person she is, i suppose the best way to describe her is by saying that she is the light that attracts everyone in the room. The hive that us bees huddle to. I've never been to a party where she wasn't noticed. I don't say that because shes really pretty either.. guys either thought she was super hot, silly and immediately a sweet addiction (because lets face it, her sarcasm is unbeatable.. same with her beauty..) and girls either loved her or hated her. haha haters..smh.
In addition, she is the only girl i've EVER known to try and pay for her food on a first date haha.

***MS. INDEPENDENT***

Dear A-Money,

I'm so grateful to call you my best friend and be apart of your wedding. In the past 8 years i've watched your heart break and seen people take advantage of your hospitality. If karma hasn't hit them yet, I hope they get stuck wearing adult braces and eating shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner... and THEN wasting hours of their life picking that shit out of their braces. :)
Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on, partner in crime and beer pong partner. Otto is so lucky to have you and i'm so happy you could find a guy who reciprocates the same unconditional love you share.
Besties for life, i love you so much!!

Sincerly Yours,

T-Dub

Suicide Epiphany

    S U I C I D E   E P I P H A N Y

Empty, Lonely, Feeling Absent.

Worthless, Weary, Life lived Past Tense.

Stupid, Lazy, Sad and Cursed.

I Drown in Doubt and Dream of Thirst.

I Turn the page, and see it blank

Living in fear, My stomach has sank.

Look out at the world, see color turn gray,
Forget about time, months, years disarray.
Crawl up on a chair, put head in the noose,
Play my life like a game, play my life, duck duck goose.
  It's my time, I've been chosen,
Kicked the chair, time stop frozen,
Hanging there, i see their face,
Family friends their warm embrace.
Selfish me, i can now see,
Struggle, wiggle, cannot breathe,
Blood gone thin, i now see black,

Going forward, can't turn back.

In the grave covered in tears,

Think of the prayer i said it for years

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I shall die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

To my surprise there was no light,

It seems that heavens, out of sight,

I kick and scream i'm being pulled,

It seems my life has just been sold.

Dark angels circle, like crows above,

I've forgotten that word, starts with L, rhymes with of?

I am miserable wishing this life brought me death,

My suicide lurking, I took my own breath

This is my new life, I made it myself,

Why couldn't have i, just asked for some help.

Regretting the life i now wish i lived,

At least it could change whereas now its relived.

 I am nothing.
Empty, lonely. feeling absent

Worthless, Weary, Life lived past tense

Stupid Lazy sad and cursed

I drown in Doubt and Dream of Thirst.

Poolside Daydreaming Interrupted

Since summer is almost over and i'm getting close to moving, i've been spending as much time as possible out by my pool getting my tan on and soaking up the last bit of Utah's summer rays. 

Today while i was out at the pool i saw a mother teaching her 3 year old son how to swim and i became fascinated by the mother/child bond. There was a point when the mother was holding her son under his arms and swaying him across the top of the pool and together they giggled and he would yell "Again, Again!!" and again she would sway him once more. I was amazed at how quickly his confidence grew when his mother would convince him to go one stroke further during his swimming and how delighted both the mother and son were when he would come up for air only to realize that he had swam the entire width of the pool. It was one of those moments that i felt as if i was looking through a window of "what could be" and for a brief moment i felt at peace. Moms are cool.
 I hope i'm a cool mom if i get blessed with kids one day.

So here i am daydreaming about the joys of raising a child when the mother starts begging her son for 10 minutes of lay out time. "Mommy needs 10 minutes ok? 10 minutes is all i'm asking and i'm going to set a timer on my phone so you know when the 10 minutes is up." She put the life jacket on her son and he stood there anxious for 10 minutes to pass... at 2 minutes he started asking "Is it time yet?".. "nope" she replied and as you can imagine this conversation trailed on for a few more minutes and the sound of distress in the mothers voice became more apparent.

Finally the son hopped back into the pool, life jacket and all and the world went silent. I looked back at the mother and her eyes were shut, finally at peace you can tell she had drifted off to paradise when suddenly, her son hopped back out of the pool with a noodle toy holding it in a U shape form approaching her on his tip toes, (and if you had a childhood you know where this is going...) he jumped on her chair and began spraying a fountain of water on his mothers face, the silence turns to abrupt screaming as she got a direct hit to the face from this water hahaha...

She was so upset.

It was in this moment that i laughed and shook my head realizing that as wonderful as having kids might be, i don't think i'm ready to give up my serenity of silence just yet. So in honor of being young and free, i popped my headphones back in to my ears, closed my eyes and took a large but necessary drink of my poolside margarita, vegging out once more.

In addition to feeling grateful i called my mom and told her what i had seen today. She recalls very well the lack of peace she felt while raising 4 kids but it doesn't matter if you have 4 or 19 kids, the moments of swaying through the water and giggling are the ones that get you through the next moments. It's the moments none of us really recall as kids, but the ones that create the necessary bond with our parents that reassures us of the love we share when all our parents really wish they could do is stick their feet on our heads & drown us.. It's a reminder of how one cherishing moment can effect all those around you, even if you're not blood related. 

Welcome to parenthood.

Lets Talk About Hugs

Lets talk about hugs.. 

Maybe i'm rare or maybe I've just never grown out of being a child, but I love hugs.. More than kisses, more than sex.. I suppose it's because I can hug anyone and it isn't dirty, it isn't going to cause disease or regret.. I can hug someone freely without breaking the heart of someone i love and I could never feel lonely after a hug.. 

I'll always want to greet someone with a hug and even more so, leave them with one.

Hugs are one of the rare signs of affection that you can still give someone of the same sex without being called a fag or lesbian and people won't shun you or judge you for it. Hugs are given all around the world and it doesn't matter if you're a toddler greeting a stranger or a person of ill giving their final goodbyes, hugs are endless.

I want to hug more people. I want to share the last bit of physical affection i can towards others before it's taken from me and I want to know that with every hug, I've given comfort to someone's day.

I want to say so much to a family member, friend, or stranger with only the silence of my hug. I want to show more love to others all while being comforted in the same physical surroundings of it...
I just want to hug and never let go.

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a Gift

Yesterday i woke up from a nightmare. 

Like anyone i told myself, "Its just a nightmare..." but little did i know, it was the beginning to a series of unfortunate events.

There really isn't much to say about my day besides that, you know you're having a bad day when you find yourself crying outside of a pizza hut at 6:30pm and then again outside of a 7/11 at 10:00pm. Mind you, i rarely cry unless shit drastically hits the fan and thus it did.

But here's the thing, bad days happen and sometimes they can be an all day event.  Luckily there's 24 hrs in a day which leaves a lot of time for bad juju to lighten up. Moral of the story, the day's not over till the clock strikes 12:00am and after a long, emotional, and frustrating day, I was fortunate to end it hanging out with the Redbull crew.

Hell Yeah.

Don't let life get you down, time doesn't stop, and bad times won't last forever.

The Truth Behind Happiness

When you get a group of single girls together the topic of marriage and/or relationships are bound to come up and if they don't, its either because there simply isn't enough time in one cup of coffee to discuss the depth of such a topic OR the girls simply aren't drunk enough to admit that in reality, they really are lonely.

Enter: The handle of Vodka

I read this thing on Facebook today about the truth behind failed marriages and relationships and i couldn't agree more with it...

I'm sick of people asking me why i'm not married. If you have to ask, you don't understand... It's not that i can't be, I could simply stop everything reckless, wild and spontaneous in life, find a nice Mormon guy and quickly mellow out but where is the glory in that kind of relationship?... I like trial and error and i like being surprised when all of a sudden shit hits the fan and Bobby-O's freaking out over spilt milk... I mean not all the time obviously but damn people, enjoy the heat of the moment!

 

The most rewarding part of a relationship is thinking about the hell you went through with someone and knowing you got through it together.

I don't want to be apart of the 50% failed marriage statistics. I wholeheartedly believe that i have the ability to find someone who i can love day in and day out, without having to rush into a marriage or change myself drastically to fit the mold of what "he" wants in a girl.

You can take me or leave me.

but if you take me, just know i'll take you too.

but in the mean time, i'm going to be mostly single, sometimes lonely and stoked when i finally commit to my perfectly imperfect.

 

A Free Spirit in a Mormon Household

A friend of mine asked me to write about my trials of being a free-spirit in a Mormon household and i couldn't be more intrigued...

This last week i moved out of my parents house and i have to say it was somewhat bittersweet. If life goes to plan, i should never have to use the phrase "I'm living with my parents" which now concludes that my childhood is officially up, despite i will always be their baby.

I grew up in a very Mormon family. It's so Mormon that when my grandma came for Thanksgiving dinners, we couldn't have martinelli bottles present because they looked too much like wine bottles. In addition, she's also very prejudice so when my parents got engaged she was not stoked because my mom was brown. She's a real treat my grandma..

So my folks married and had 6 very brown children, expect my brother Dan, Dan is pale and always will be. :) We grew up going to church everyday Sunday... my mom was always apart of our primary classes, my brothers were eagle scouts and my dad, their scout master. My sister and i were in Young Womens and went to girls camp and sang church songs and participated in church activities every Wednesday for mutual with jolly smiles.. I actually loved girls camp and i actually love the church i was raised in....

I love it, but i am no longer apart of it.

I waited till i was almost 18 to get my first kiss and it's fair to say that's when things changed for me. After graduating high school i went wild and started drinking, trying drugs, and gaining that self confidence i lacked all through high school. I could talk to guys and feel womanly doing it. (<< that sounds so stupid but it's the truth.) I liked who i was and liked what i was doing and the best part is my family had no idea. Then a few years ago i got a DUI and the cat got out of the bag... Tawnya's been drinking. "So if she's doing this, what else has she been doing?" It was a rough time for my family because of the lies and secrets that quickly became unveiled and i felt awful. I felt the distance between myself and my parents and most of all, the disappointment. Fortunately, parents forgive and if anything, it brought us closer.

So here i am typing this and what do i have to say.. Well basically, I don't attend church, i don't dress modestly if i don't want to and i wear a bikini and sometimes a sexy one piece. I drink alcohol, coffee and tea. I swear and I don't date Mormon guys. I don't plan on getting married in the temple and in fact, a beach wedding or garden wedding in the woods sounds perfect to me..(So does eloping). If my dad wants to talk religion i stop him in his tracks and all together it drives him nuts. I like the cross i wear around my neck and I have many tattoo ideas in my head for the purpose of being an artist not because its in trend. I don't want to be ashamed of who i am nor do i want them to be ashamed of me. I'm still the same person, the same little tawnya with a quirky personality and need for adventure. I still love my family and support them for their choices in choosing a religion that fits their lifestyle.

I respect my family to not drink in front of them but I still bring home guys that my dad still disapproves of because they aren't Mormon. They turn their head to things they don't approve of and i don't take offense to their sometimes judgmental comments. It wasn't so much a trial living at home but just recognizing our differences and accepting them.

I don't want to hurt my parents feelings by lying to them so i've chose to live by the saying of, "I'd rather be an open sinner than a false saint" and i'm stick'n to it. In all honesty i'll miss living with my parents and i'll miss how safe i felt when i was in their home. 25 years is a long time to spend with 2 people, but they were easily the best roommates i could have asked for.

This much is true.

This one's for the Soldiers

I'm going to write about something i never felt applied to me, a topic i don't know much about but want to express thought towards because it surrounds me everyday, something that surrounds us all and yet, we've all gone blind to see.

Tonight, I watched the film, Lone Survivor which is a movie based on a true story about soldiers in Afghanistan who went to fulfill a mission but rather, found themselves in a whirlwind of hell.

Generally speaking, Hollywood has a funny way of re-creating war. Typically they're intense but, i relate its intensity with the noise rather than that which is being portrayed. I've never been to war so i've never felt the extremities of it, nor have i tried to place myself in the shoes of someone who has. I don't know if it's the way this film was made or just the idea that i felt the need to do this, but i tried to replace the individuals in this film with someone i know or someone i could pretend to know... and come to my surprise, I felt complete remorse for have never fully appreciating the decision a soldier makes when going to war.

My initial impression of individuals joining the military, is that they do it with the intention and outlook of being able to have money for school, great benefits and future job opportunities. I know that sounds wrong of me to say, but i'm not the only one who hears this or maybe even believes this. A soldier reading this might say, "I do it for my country, you silly (or more honest term) dumb ass girl" and if that be the case, you appear to me as one of the few. Now i'm not saying our soldiers don't fight for our country, i'm just saying that I don't think it's until they're recruited that they fully understand that their petty reasons to join the military, are not the reasons they're there to fight.

Our world is so big and it's impossible to know everything good or evil that goes on within it.

My name is Tawnya Walton, and i live in Utah aka Happy Valley aka... a bubble.I don't know anything about whats going on in the war or any war for that matter. I've locked myself away from it because i hate the idea of being faced with the truth. I hate that there are evil people who kill over personal disagreement and over rights to have more power. I hate that kids are involved because of the influences left by adults who are supposed to be protectors. I hate that there are good people who die because of war and above all, i hate that somewhere out there, there is a "bad guy" who would shoot me because he's trained to, even though if he knew me or sat down and talked to me, he would probably appreciate my company and i, appreciate his.

I'm not an extreme hater (the term 'killer' sounds too much for my puss of a self to say). But by all means i'm not a lover either because i do have my dislikes.

I'm not perfect. People aren't perfect. The World isn't perfect.

Which is why i now understand why we have soldiers to fight for us. To fight for our land that would otherwise become a possible kill zone for others (not that it isn't already with gangs and criminals) but it's all we have. Our land and each other. So to our soldiers, my personal protectors whose names i do not know, and whose faces i'll never see.. Thank you for everything you do. Thank you for giving me the chance to look in a different direction and see beauty beyond comprehension that you've fought to protect. Thank you for my bubble.

And of course, my tribute to the anti-war protesters, 
The world is inevitably a sad place. It's not getting any better by any means and there will always be a person with hate in their heart.So put your signs down, take your flowers out of the muzzles of guns and place them on a soldiers grave. Work on creating peace within the space around you, an arms reach, a miles distance. There's a lot of violence in America and a lot of love worth hitting close to home, so save the big talk for the big guns and let our soldiers take the seas by storm.

That is all.

...and she was straightforward

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized media be?) i love telling people i dig them and telling people they are absolutely wonderful human beings and that i can't believe they really exist. I love saying "Kiss me harder", "You're an amazing person," and "You make my day." I live my life as straightforward as possible because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe that's weird. Maybe it's scary. Maybe it sounds just down right impossible... to let people know you want them or need them. To feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way, whether its your feet on their thighs while sitting on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in the keepsake of their hands. But this feeling, this rush and admiration there's nothing more beautiful, and there's nothing more risky than pretending not to care..

We are young, We are human, We are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans. We never know when the bus is coming...

Bearing a Superstar

I'm sick and my cold medicine hasn't taken its toll on my body yet to knock me out, so i figure in the mean time i'm going to dig into my brain and see what the hell i've buried in there... P.S. to any girl who likes having long nails real or fake, you're flat out NUTS!! Typing is WAYYY too hard and i feel like a secretary from a 1990's film who should have a bowl haircut and shoulder pads while i type this.

 Today i watched a Netflix Film called Moto 4 which interviews a bunch of professional motocross riders and in addition, has rad background music during their riding montages and it makes me go, MEOW! Anyway, watching this film has come to make me realize that if i ever have kids, i'm going to put all my money into them to make them bad ass superstars/ rockstars/ professionals whatever you want to call it and heres my reason....

All my lady friends would say skip the baby making, deforming your body and spending your cash part and just marry one NOW! but how many professionals/ rockstars/ whatever you want to call it say in their winning interviews, if it weren't for my girlfriend/ wife this wouldn't be possible... umm probably only the ones who are married and even thats cutting it close. Why? because its their parents they're thanking! We take parents for granted, they feed us, clothe us and most importantly, put up with our shit when we're being hellions and only abuse us when we've cost them more than $1000 in damages..and even then, they never kill us... At least that i know of.

Lately i've been hugging my mom whenever i see her because not only does she give great hugs but she just makes me happy and i haven't realized this till just recently. She may call me crazy or stupid for about almost every decision i've made, but she never stops me from doing it. If anything her lack of holding me back is what motivates me to do it more and do it better. Which is why i want to be a bad ass mom like that if the opportunity ever presents itself. Give my kid the world, make the ultimate sacrifice to be apart of something big, something great all in the hopes that it fullfills their ultimate dream that most parents would say, "Kid get a new hobby. A LESS EXPENSIVE HOBBY!!"

Heavy right? But honestly, I don't know anyone who hates their mother and if they do, i don't want to know them... Moms are rad. Period. Their cooking can sometimes be great or sometimes iffy but they have way too much love in their heart to go unnoticed. In addition, the mothers who create these superstars are strong willed, emotionally understanding and the ultimate peace makers when shit hits the fan..They motivate like hell and provide comfort when needed, so why wouldn't i want to strive to be that? 

Thought of the night. Love it or leave it.

013 and Our Relationship

 And Freeze...

Yes this photo is what it seems..

This here is the perfect picture to describe 2013 in a nut shell.. 

I was about to tell you the story behind this photo but after i wrote it and re-read it through, i decided  "oh HELL NOO" so its been deleted and needless to say, what a fucking year!

With a heart aching breakup, hospital visits, shitty school semesters and black out summers, it's hard to really recall my favorite moments.. So i wrote a letter to 2013 and provided you a few of my favorite highlights that were still in existence on my Iphone. Enjoy.

Dear 013'

We had good times together but, not really. You kicked my ass and whenever i think about you, a slight bit of disgust comes over my face and i'm pleased to call you over. However, to say you were a complete waste of time is a lie. You provided me with sweet musical jives, new friends, and the magical moments i shared with the beach, the water and the sun and for that, i thank you.

Sincerely your fondest memory,

Tawnya

 The G O O D

The B A D

and...

The ugly but then kinda pretty

and then of course a video of 013's few highlights that have still managed to move my soul and make me smile.