Skinny Mini's and Me.

Aside from actual people, there are maybe 3 things that i desperately love!

F O O D
F A S H I O N

&

P U P P I E S

However i have a problem and that is that fashion is a Skinny Bitch and food is a Fat Amy!

I find a ton of inspiration from fashion, the pictures, the design, and mostly the clothes. These things get my mind going and from what i take from them, i can scurry through my own creative mind and come up with something that says, look at me now....

One of the girls/models i love following on Instagram is @charcoalalley because her indie/gypsy/bohemian chic style is to die for!

For instance, if Johnny Depp made a baby with Blake Lively in a pool of turquoise under a rainbow with a unicorn near by, it would be her.

The only problem is that if a girl like me puts on a few pounds, all of a sudden that "inspiration" i used to have, is history! Then I have to realize that this mystical creature of a girl above, is a crazy unique beauty and she's probably just one the most photogenic babes in all the entire world. I can assure you, i'm not the only pair of eyes who envy's her.

So what's the big deal? Well i'll tell you...

I  L O V E  F O O D !

Unfortunately, food and fashion are two conflicting ninjas and the funny thing is that i would rather spend $150 on an epic seafood dinner with a couple of Oyster Shooters, before i could ever convince myself that buying a pair of shoes for $150, was worth it. haha. 

This is a huge struggle for me because what do i do? Spend money on a gym pass and clothes that will go out of fashion in 3 months? or spend it on having a one night stand with a delectable piece of heaven named Peppered Ribeye topped with sauteed mushrooms, chives and who brings along a side of asparagus decorated with lemon and heck, maybe the $20 baked potato of my dreams.

Do i eat much? Maybe.

So this year on a certain day i looked in the mirror and thought to myself, "Oh Tawnya...you have really done it now.." So I sadly got on the scale and realized i had gained a wopping 20 pounds!! Whaaaa?
Some people would say, So what?? Umm so what? more like, "So where did that come from??"

So i vowed enough is enough and i started to slowly but surely begin to kick my own ass. I've had a ton of experience learning that the feeling of hitting rock bottom, is the perfect motivation to not only climb out of the hole you're in, but fill it as well.
So that's what i've been doing and here is my progress thus far..

Before            and....        After
  Weight: 136                     Weight: 123
Total Loss: 13 Lbs
Goal Weight: Whatever makes me feel like a boss.

Below, is a dress which doesn't seem like much but it is SKIN TIGHT. It's meant to show off all them good curves us ladies lust for in addition, all the bad ones as well. I know i'm not the only girl who buys certain clothing items that don't fit as positive motivation. So this dress i'm working towards, is all in hopes of having the opportunity to freeze my ass off in sometime this month.

 Wish me Luck!

Motivation comes in all different ways and even when you want to do something good for yourself, it can still take time for that motivation to kick in full speed. But have some patience and if you feel distressed, just remember, we've all been there.

Defining Soulmates and Stuff

What is a Soulmate?

Everyone has their own version of what this meaning is and who it stands for, it helps create a security for them when they ask the question of whether they've found their soulmate, or are still in the process of finding them.

I believe there is a soulmate for everyone. They may not be your lover or even your best friend.. I believe they are you in another body.

To explain this meaning i have to tell you of that person whom i call my soulmate... This person may or may not know who they are, but they know our relationship as soulmates is real. It's that person who understands you in all aspects, your jokes, your concerns, your dreams and yourself. When you're with them, they make you feel free and when i hug this person, lay close to them or touch their body, i feel a connection stronger than any gravitational pull can bring together, more desirous than any infatuation can define.

 To lose this person is the end of you, its to take away the deepest meaning of love. To be alone, even when surrounded by a grand stadium of people. 

Needs Vs. Wants

You know you've procrastinated when 24 hours isn't a long enough time to achieve everything you need to achieve. 

I'm procrastinating as we speak. 

This semester has just pulled the rug out from under me and i can honestly say that i can feel myself falling and when i finally land, I'm afraid i may be left with some hefty bruises and poor scores.

So what have i been doing besides what i'm "supposed" to be doing?

L I V I N G

I'm simply doing the stuff that makes me happy, getting caught up in it, and then snapping back to reality only to realize that time has skipped beats and has left me with soo much busy work to do.

The problem with school is that, I was rushed into college by my parents in a manner that made it seem as though, if i don't get my degree by 4 years, I'll fall behind EVERYONE my age and probably fail in life. So with that said, i rolled out of high school and jumped IMMEDIATELY on a few different ideas of degrees ranging from aviation to history teacher to joining the marines to now film and business marketing and guess what mom and dad? I'm still behind!! haaa.. And to add to this sad story i'm still not happy with my choices of degree so i'm going to add Anthropology to my load of school because why the heck not??

Besides, lets say i do find something i'm passionate about and go to school for it, like writing. The only classes i'd care to take are creative writing, poetry, and illustrative art! You know, the stuff that actually racks the mind rather than working on mindless busy work that has nothing to do with the degree.. like geology.

"Give me a pencil and i'll tell you a real story."

I've been writing a book for 5 years secretly under my breath, threw the tips of my fingers and basically its kickin ass! If you saw my blog post on Facebook and thought, "Ooo what did she write about now..." Then you'd dig this book because its me, its my buried thoughts and quotes i cared not to delete. Yet, its a lively story that shows you a side of my brain that a single professors grade may portray as, "Not so brilliant."

It's been proven by many, that a person doesn't need school to succeed but rather, a singular idea and desire to expand greatly on that idea and thus, we find success. I shall continue this drive to write more on my book tomorrow but for now, back to being a slave to a concealed mind because as my elementary school always said,

  "Knowledge is Power" 

Now i sigh once more and bid you adieu.

If i were a hallmark card..

With a world so big and body so small, 

its no wonder her dreams be without any walls.

She wants to be everything but that of a child,

her thoughts go beyond and time pass beguiled

Little speech she has but expressions galore, 

Its no wonder her face conveys secrets and more.

To 'awe' at the sky and point at what flies,

She haven't a clue of 'the end' or 'goodbye.'

Her heart still together, since it have not once break,

Any regrets of her past, she has none to remake.

Two years passing by may be long to the old, 

but two years young is beginning to unfold.

Happy (belated) Birthday Little Diamond.

 

Better than Twilight.

Oh hi, remember me?

I'm baaaaaaack!

For tonight.

I have to wake up early tomorrow but my body won't let me sleep until i brush my teeth, but i have 2 words for you:

ORANGE JUICE

and now you understand why my teeth aren't brushed.

So whats new you ask? Well, Everything.

My life did a 180 when i wasn't looking and somewhere in the mix of this month, life just got really awesome and myself, really happy. I'm rock'n school full time, i got money's in my bank, a car that says "Ride me dirty" and a job i want to kick in the face everyday. Yet somehow, i can't complain. Its nice to have the feeling of responsibility and most days maturity.

I wasn't sure what i wanted to write about tonight... i had no bitching, no sob story, no creative poems, short stories exc, and since i'm not pregnant or married, I have no DIY crafts or young grass hopper teachings to pass onto you.

I guess i just wanted to say Hi. and to whomever you are thats reading this, Thanks! I hope that despite the boredom that's occurring in your life right now, you still have a kick ass day. 

Maybe one day soon i'll return to this spot and click away on this keyboard once more but for now,
I'm Out.

Goodnight.

Tee Hee!
Its been a minute since i left you with something provocative to look at! ha ha.

B ( o )( o ) bie (s).

Night Night

To a Stranger...

Sometimes i get the urge to talk to a random stranger. 

To what we discuss isn't really up to me.. but rather a mystery..

I think of this stranger often, about their lives about mine. To when we meet, is unknown.

How will they change my life and vise versa. Will we stay friends? I dunno.

You marry your best friend, that's an understatement. We all start as strangers.

When we're young we're told not to talk to strangers but this stranger i believe in, I love.

To whoever you are, What will you tell me?

The secret to happiness? No. I have that. 

The recipe for disaster? It strikes everyday.

Where to find love? I Doubt it. 

How to seek peace? In Billie Holidays voice.

Perhaps this stranger will say nothing but rather just hug me...

 

and if that be the case..

 I'd like that.

Dear Stranger, I'm waiting.....

I need a private treadmill.

Did my first run/ walk/ scream/ almost die but actually kill over mile today!!!

anddd....

All i have to say is, why the hell would anyone do this for fun?

I"m exhausted. I now have a head ache, and i think i grind my teeth when i run because my jaw fucking kills now. Oh and P.S, i slipped on wet grass. Don't ask me why i was running in someones yard.

Do i feel thinner? Yes, so thin that i could pound a Big Mac and large fries and not feel guilty about it. Some people say, "I run so i can clear my head and think..." Well all i could think about it how dry my mouth was and how running makes me have to pee. At one point i counted every step i took and after 164 i lost count and i was even more furious because my house was still no where in site..

I need a treadmill. 

I need to be able to people watch from my window and watch Sponge Boob whenever I feel like it.. <-- haha Sponge Boob.. ill leave that spelling error.

 I used to run track when i was little and not only was able to run a mile in well time, but I didn't complain, AND i did it under Arizona's beating sun. I miss my 12 year old body. I can say that because back then i had muscular legs, a mini six pack, and no boobs. Today i have normal-ish legs, a normal belly, and no boobs. 

I'm tired of growing up. 

I'm tired of feeling like my 24 yr old little body aint little enough and i'm EXTREMELY tired of running around my neighborhood looking like a fool. Plus someone told me i run funny, You know who YOU are. 

(insert) *middle finger*

:) hahaaa jk.

Anyway, i'm going to melt away in my bath tub now, read my book and later, dance to Frank Sinatra's New York, New York.

This is what i thought running would be like:

This is how it actually was...

You can kid the world, but not your sister.

So I don't know if its because i'm a girl or just because i have my mothers genes, but sometimes i have days or weeks where i want to just lay on the carpet and bawl. Not cry, but bawl.

Generally all i have to think of is something sad and the eye flooding begins.

Now this doesn't happen a lot, maybe twice a year for the span of a couple weeks and i never know precisely when the day is going to hit, but the most recent one was different. It wasn't a sad song that set me off, or a sad thought or life changing moment, but rather the idea and love for my sisters.

Perhaps its the lack of estrogen i have in my life since my sister has been out of town and a lot of girls i used to hangout with alot, i no longer hangout with. Its not that i don't like them, but they aren't like the best friends i left behind in Arizona to move here, nor are they anything like my older sister. Its strange the depth of love and excitement a sister brings. One might say that:

"A sister helps one remain half child/ half woman"

Today i went to the cemetery to put flowers on my 2 younger sisters graves and for me, its always a bitter sweet moment when i realize that one would have been 23 and the other 20. I'm 24 and i must admit, having a couple younger sisters to hangout with would be nice, especially when my older sister is out of town. I've come realize that a girl can have tons of lady friends but if none of them resemble anything of a sister, you're screwed in lighter terms. 

If you fight with a lady friend, the friendship is either forever over or over for months at a time. You fight with a sister and your forced to sit at the dinner table by the end of the night, and by dessert, you're plotting against a brother. Sisters may hold grudges from a fight back when you were five, but since we're a  forever bond, we have forever to work on forgiveness.

A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves, a special kind of double.

My sisters from others misters live in Arizona. One i've known since kindergarten, Tara and the other Tawnie, since first grade. They would call us the terrible T's. 

Tara, the mischief maker and i would torture young souls in church by putting gum on the seats of girls with new dresses and playing hide and seek in the gym with no intention to ever actually find the hiders. I admit, I was a bully and to this day, Tara and i still feel pretty bad about it. I think most bully's do when they get older but as kids, you don't realize it. I was bullied and i was a bullier. These days there are tons of stories of bullying and i cringe at the thought of how we must have made Mary feel. (Go figure the girl we picked on in church was named Mary.) 

Dear readers, At some point in life,Tara and i have both been smitten HARD by god and i'm beginning to think it was because of this. 

Karma's a bitch.

Tawnie my twin and I would kill baby cactus's on our way to school by over watering them with our water bottles. This was unintentional, we literally thought the cactus's were hot from being left outside in the Arizona sun all day. We were always twins on twin day in elementary, and as i mentioned earlier, by some point in life, (Jr. High specifically) i began to get picked on and Tawnie would stand up for me. It helped that Tawnie became popular because she was killer at Basketball and her popularity carried into High School. Although, i moved states by then. 

 These are my girls, my best friends and sisters. Forever without a doubt.

And finally, my real and older sometimes pain in the ass but not so much anymore sister Bonnie who is 30 maybe 31, (whose counting anyway?) and my 24 year old self, when we are together, we both carry the minds of 16 year old girls. Bonnie is the older sister who has babysat both Tara and Tawnie when i was little, and terrorized all of us, especially Tawnie. 

She is the gem of sisters however, if you call her past 10pm to come pick you up, she won't do it because she is a sleeping nazi. Come to think of it, ever since i was little my bedroom has always been next to Bonnie's and i can recount all the times we have walked into each others rooms bored and 5 hours later realized, "Wow i've been in here WAY too long, goodbye, nice chattin."

I always find it funny how you can talk to a sister for hours even when you live together, how much can there really be to talk about? well, a lot apparently. Plus when mom and dad don't agree with you, a sister always will.

I am blessed. I realized this, and i bawled because of it. 

Because i love my sisters, because i miss my sisters, because i wish i had my younger sisters and just because crying just feels good.

To my boyfriend, I am sorry i have been so moody, I feel great now though! Just FYI.

Shut up and Love yourself.

I keep getting on FB and IG only to see more girls posting their healthy food and gym photos.

Are you serious?

You shouldn't have to prove to the world that you love yourself enough to take care of yourself, you should just naturally love yourself, and the world will take notice without proof.

Self image is a dirty mirror that at first glance, makes you feel self conscious and dirty, but take a silent second glance and you realize its not you that's dirty at all, but the mirror... and you can go on feeling beautiful.

Not All Those Who Wander, Are Lost

2 days ago i turned 24 and it was the first time i actually woke up feeling older. 

Today one of my 'clique' friends from High School called me and told me she was getting married!! Out of 5 of us in this 'clique', I am now the last one to get married. Although i'm excited for her, i never thought i would be the last.. Or perhaps i was just hoping.

All of my best friends from childhood, up to this day are married or about to be married. So i ask myself...

Where the hell did time go? What path did i wander down that others didn't? Will i ever get married? 

and most importantly..

Am i Happy?

One of my favorite sangs is that, "Not all those who wander, are lost."

 But then i think, this sang would be O so lovely if it were true, but I am lost. I'm in college but i don't know what i want to be. I love a guy but i can't predict the future of us. I want to be skinny but i love the taste of food too much. Exercise? ha...

Lack of motivation much?

I feel as though my childlike imagination has disappeared and my greatest and most fond dreams have simply become a distant memory of which i can no longer look back and see. 

As for my future? Its a mirage. Somewhat visible but wavy and unclear to the point that i really can't figure out the truth of it until i get a little closer... and perhaps a little older.

Would life just make sense already? At least i still get ID'd everywhere i go and people still mistaken me for looking 19. Yes!

Happy Birthday to Me.

She was a Wicken...and I was a Mormon.

My half neighbor Rae was talking about how Easter is a weird holiday. Her words revolved around a sentence like...

"Why the F*uck would i dye eggs and how does a rabbit tie into god and religion??"

Rae grew up a Wicken.

I've heard of that term of religion before from the movie He's Just Not that Into You, but it's the first time i've actually had an acquaintance refer to themselves as one...I've always thought it was a belief that was more along the lines of World of Warcraft.

Well, Its not. 

But it's cool, she doesn't understand the Holiday of Easter but regardless of whether you are religious or not OR know the meaning behind this holiday, why would anyone diss and be so anti against a perfectly good holiday?

or ANY holiday.

I grew up Mormon. So I grew up knowing Easter as the resurrection of Christ. However, now a days i don't go to church so its hard for me to really claim myself as any religion. But non the less, Easter is the Sh!t. 

I'm 23 and my oldest sibling is 30. The youngest person in my family is my sister in law Keisha who is 22 and my parents STILL have an Easter egg hunt. Call us immature but its actually way better because not only are there BIGGER eggs, but now there's money inside and its a big competition. Honestly i don't know what were going to do when my siblings start having babies... have 2 Easter egg hunts probably.

Anyway... To all you haters, lovers and atheists,

That Turquoise Color

Before i write a blog about my latest adventures which the majority of you probably don't care about, I noticed that to the right of this blog in my "About me" section i mention that,

"I'd die happy to drown in a pool of Turquoise."

Well I noticed that I don't have a single photo of me even wearing turquoise so i wanted to clear the air and let it be known that i have always LOVED turquoise even before this hippie, bohemian, fairy goddess trend became popular and even more, so i'll tell you why.

I'm Native American. Enough said.

Just kidding.. Ever since i was little my grandma has been sending me packages with turquoise/opal exc. jewelry she finds OR jewelry that belongs to our past down generation and it isn't until i was older that i understood the importance of my gifts. I have always loved wearing my jewelry except i have a tendency of losing it (rings essecially) or breaking the chains on my necklaces exc. So i try to just keep those things hidden away in my amoire for special events and what not.

Anyway, here are a few things either my mom or grandma have given me recently and i am obsessed! So keep em coming Gma!

 My mom gave me this heart shape turquoise necklace recently. Motherly Love..

 This is my grandmas Native American costume jewelry for Pow Wows and such. Soo gorgeous. Very Authentic I assure you.

 Beaded turquoise necklace from my mama. I remember her wearing everyday this when i was little.

And my newest addition from my grandma. I'm not sure what the stones are but one of her friends made it.. The feather bracelet next to it is just something i paired with it, its from H&M.

And just to dip into some of the odds and ends jewelry that lays around my house and no one really wears are these...

 These are my dads tie clip and cuff links that my grandpa gave him for my parents wedding..

 This is a belt buckle that my grandpa gave my dad.. I think the quarter is an interesting touch..

Here are a few of my favorite earrings that my mom has worn ever since i was little. They are all designed in the style of our tribe and i actually remember pulling on the long ones when she wore them when i was little.. I got the typical "Ow! You're yanking on my ears, Stop it!" haha..

and finally these some turquoise earrings my mom offered me but then remember that i don't have my ears pierced ha.. soo now they too just sit in her armoire. Probably my absolute favorite though.

Anyway, thse is just a few things. Unfortunately i had some really gorgeous pieces that were stolen from me. A couple turquoise and opal rings my uncle made and a BIG turquoise necklace that had been handed down for generations that was stolen from me. Stealing is lame so i hope you like my stuff. You're not welcome.

Me and the Food Fairy Nazi

 Today I tried to cheat on my diet with one of those chocolate brownie muffins from Costco!

(To die for)

But the food fairy nazi had other plans for me because no less then one minute later, the microwave caught on fire. 

Silly me, I got distracted.

Without realizing anything i started to smell fire and i THOUGHT it was coming from outside because there was minimal smoke surrounding the window so i ran outside, my dog Kobe was barking like a mad dog so i figured he had seen fire and was giving me the classic Lassy 'warning' bark but i saw nothing. Then, i ran back inside to find my cell phone to call my dad who was out for a walk and of course, my phone was no where to be found in such an emergency. Luckily we're the family who still has a land line telephone so i was able to call my dad.
I never felt so much panic in my life because there was a lack of abundance in our baking soda and the thought of throwing mounds of snow on a fire didn't even occur to me till just now. Anyway my dad comes running in and the house is filled with smoke, not fire smoke but burning smoke, and without question its the microwave. How could i be so blind and forgetful...

Anyway, we survived and the house stinks but it's still standing!

This isn't my smartest moment in life, but of all the blonde things i have done throughout my life, i think this one takes the cake.

So, back to my diet of cleansing smoothies and veggies. Perhaps i will think twice before cheating on my diet again.

Skipping Steps and Going Miles

To anyone who read my other blog (which i deleted due to the depressing matters of my life.) 

I think you should know that i drove alone for the first time tonight!

Its been 1 year 5 months and 14 days since my DUI occurred and it wasn't until 3 hours ago that i got back behind the wheel and drove somewhere without someone like a bf or parent in the car.

I can't begin to tell you how childish, and handicapped i felt being unable to feel that sense of freedom and you don't realize how incredible the feeling is until you go through it. In addition, I have never sang so hard in my life! I'm not a person who is comfortable singing in front of other people despite that given the right moment and place, i can sing pretty darn good but in my car, I can sing forever and with whomever! I love it!

I wish i could have stuffed all the people i care about most in the car with me to share that moment with them, but instead, i just called them. If you got a phone call tonight or text, just know that i appreciate all the times you helped me out when i hit a low point in life. Deeply and sincerely.

T H A N K  Y O U ! !

Anyway, it was a real break through in life for me and i just thought to share this epic moment with anyone and everyone who cares to read my blog.

Life, or something like it.

I'm a 23 year old college student with a full ride scholarship going for a double major.

B I G D E A L

I've come to realize today that even when i get the degree's i'm chasing, that still doesn't mean i'll be set for life. I wish i could've been born much before this day and age or in a family of grand royalty where my dreams were a credit card swipe away...

(don't we all)

i know the technology is kick ass but so much is expected of one person that at times it can be quite overwhelming. 

My dad had a well to do job before technology grew and took over the majority of almost all well to do jobs and now he's become one of those "outcasts" which are struggling to find a job. I feel bad for him because he's getting to old and just the other day he came to me asking, "Tawnya whats networking?" I know, my dad is old and for being a computer software project manager, you would think that he would be able to wrapped his head around the latest computer technology terms at least but he just can't get a grasp on it and i feel bad for him because he and i are realizing that though a degree will get you places, it may not always lead to the happy "American Dream" ending.

For this reason, I've become addicted to figuring out new things in which i'm good at besides my education because it seems to me that even if you kill it in school, you may just get the cut at work. 

Now i'm not planning on getting fired or let go from work but no body knows the future and sometimes these things just happen even if you are an incredible worker. So its time to figure out the hobbies you're good at, those ones that have the most potential to make you money when you find yourself in a rut. Maybe these things are flipping cars, mechanical work, writing, making art, jewelery, or interior design or maybe you have great wood making skills. Whatever your gift is, work on it and don't stop!

 Life is too short to be stressed out on money and unfortunately money is an essential part of living for everyone, aside from the 7%(ish) of people in the world who are Henry David Thoreau's or the last members of an ALMOST extinct tribe hidden deep within the rain forest.

I know, this idea kinda just sounds like an exhausting effort to find your inner self and talents but i'm afraid our generation is to that point where unless you're in with the high rollers, you're REALLY FAR OUT.

Its just insider tip, you can take it or leave it but its been working for me while i've been in college. I sell my dogs stud services, i'm learning how to flip cars and i sell art work on the side and its not making me enough money to buy a mansion or the car of my dreams or travel the world, but its what i got.

PS. I want to congratulate my dog Kobe today for losing his virginity! 

The poor guy needed it..

The Dreaming Lover

"The Dreaming Lover" by Tawnya

"I am the dreaming lover. Seducing this lover does not require you to have been born with any special skills. This dreaming lover tends to keep their head in the clouds & like a lonely widow, this lover gazes out into the distance daydreaming up his or her next whirlwind romance with their long lost love. To seduce a lover of this grade is no challenge, but rather similar to a lion chasing a hurt gazelle. A taste of this lover will send you into a short mystical dream leaving you feeling satisfied and them feeling conquered. This lover only dreams of loving and being loved. This spiraling circle gives them hope that love isn't long lost after all & that somewhere someday their heart will be stricken with life & they will feel it beat once more."

Cinderfuckinrella

I have $1.62 to my name, a beer in the fridge and toppings for a mini baked potato. 

Yesterday my boyfriend and i made homemade pizzas from 2 pieces of toast, tomato sauce, cheese and Italian seasoning.

It was Awesome.

And today we will take every scrap we can find left in the cupboards and call it sloppy seconds... 

You don't have to tell me i'm rich because i already know i am.

Having no money is no fun, but making life work when you have no money, now that's the fun part. I've lived off $100 for the past month or so and thankfully i have no bills so its been possible for me. As for Chris, he has mega responsibilities as to where his money goes so he has no money either. Soo i'm going to state this bluntly..

$100 ain't S H I T!!!

We're using napkins for TP, potatoes are involved in EVERY meal... breakfast, lunch, dinner... SNACKS  you name it we're eating slop like a soldier back in Nom. I haven't worn make up for a week and i lost my contacts so i'm wearing my broken eye glasses from Jr High! I got chipped nail polish, knots in my hair and loose sweatpants.

But life's good.

I still get to wake up next to Chris every morning, we still cook together and laugh over the smoke alarm going off. We still get to enjoy a cool dog who stares at the wall and we still fight over listening to heavy metal music and Louis Armstrong. He still kisses me and hugs me and just now he roamed in and said "You look your best even at your worst" (needed that) and Tonight? Well tonight we'll be robbing someones Netflix account and watching a movie while eating more potatoes.

I write this because tomorrow everything will change. My $1 will multiply by many and we will have a reason to get dressed up and dine like white folk... saying goodbye to these bittersweet moments of survival. 

Call Me Cinderfuckinrella.

Pure, Raw, Explosive Pleasure.

I'm having a compulsive obsession with French foreign films. I've watch 5 this past week and i blame it all on one movie....

Love Me if You Dare.

If you haven't seen it. Buy it, Download it, Rent it, Borrow it from me.
Its worth seeing at least once.

And why?

Well, there is a scene which script is MAGIC. As i like to define it, the movie is an aggressive love story and if you are sensitive to dirty-ish talk, maybe re-think watching it.  But like any love movie there is always the plot line where the starring couple spends time away from each other and it's during that time, the two of them realize that without each other, life is half ass.That everything that once gave them the complete feeling of full pleasure in life, is no longer good enough.

Sooo i've gone ahead and provided you with the script that defines what I too think, a person should feel like the moment that realization hits them that they've fallen madly. in. love.

Julien: "Sophie was back in the game! Pure, raw, explosive pleasure! Better than drugs, better than smack! Better than a dope-coke-crack-fix-shit-shoot-sniff-ganja-marijuana-blotter-acid-ecstasy! Better than sex, head, 69, orgies, masturbation, tantrism, Kama Sutra or Thai doggy-style! Better than banana milkshakes! Better than George Lucas's trilogy, the muppets and 2001! Better than Emma Peel, Marilyn, Lara Croft and Cindy Crawford's beauty mark! Better than the B-side to Abbey Road, Jimmy Hendrix and the first man on the moon! Space Mountain, Santa Claus, Bill Gates' fortune, the Dalai Lama, Lazarus raised from the dead! Schwarzenegger's testosterone shots, Pam Anderson's lips! Woodstock, raves... Better than Sade, Rimbaud, Morrison and Castaneda! Better than freedom, Better than life!" 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Patience is a Virtue.

Patience.

An old crush once told me that guys like a chase when it comes to girls and as I have observed, girls too like the same thing.

 To me, this "chase" is like running through a pitch black room the size of the world. With your arms outstretched and your ears listening in full alert, you wait for that perfect moment to grab a hold of that person, the one you yearn for, the one that's often known as, "your soulmate." What a feeling it must be to grasp your lover and experience what seemed to be the impossible!!


Love.

  

Then, suddenly, the lights come on and you see them for who they really are. 

Sometimes, they turn out to be more than you ever dreamed of and you wonder, how did I get so lucky?

Sometimes your eyes take a while to adjust and although your weary of the person who's hand you hold, you grasp them anyway. It doesn't matter how awkward or discomforting they are, you found somebody. Then, your eyes adjust and they really aren't anything much of what you hoped for. So rather than release them, you push all things aside and turn the lights back off. You continue to hold their hand and never let go or face the truth, fearing that you may never find "love" again.

And then there are other times, those when the person you had such high hopes for turns out to be your worst nightmare and you spend the rest of your life fearing the dark, never EVER taking the risk to find love again..

I do not believe there are limits to how many people you can love because who really knows what this is anyway? however, for me, I refuse to let the nightmares get to me, I refuse to settle with the unwanted, and if Mr. right comes along then I imagine I won’t have to search at all, i continue to believe that our hands will just gravitate naturally and meet.. and, if one day time runs out, the lights turn on and I find that there was never anyone in my world to begin with, then at least I will have learned patience.

[pa·tience noun /ˈpāSHəns/ 1. The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset   2. Uncomplaining endurance.]]