So I don't know if its because i'm a girl or just because i have my mothers genes, but sometimes i have days or weeks where i want to just lay on the carpet and bawl. Not cry, but bawl.
Generally all i have to think of is something sad and the eye flooding begins.
Now this doesn't happen a lot, maybe twice a year for the span of a couple weeks and i never know precisely when the day is going to hit, but the most recent one was different. It wasn't a sad song that set me off, or a sad thought or life changing moment, but rather the idea and love for my sisters.
Perhaps its the lack of estrogen i have in my life since my sister has been out of town and a lot of girls i used to hangout with alot, i no longer hangout with. Its not that i don't like them, but they aren't like the best friends i left behind in Arizona to move here, nor are they anything like my older sister. Its strange the depth of love and excitement a sister brings. One might say that:
"A sister helps one remain half child/ half woman"
Today i went to the cemetery to put flowers on my 2 younger sisters graves and for me, its always a bitter sweet moment when i realize that one would have been 23 and the other 20. I'm 24 and i must admit, having a couple younger sisters to hangout with would be nice, especially when my older sister is out of town. I've come realize that a girl can have tons of lady friends but if none of them resemble anything of a sister, you're screwed in lighter terms.
If you fight with a lady friend, the friendship is either forever over or over for months at a time. You fight with a sister and your forced to sit at the dinner table by the end of the night, and by dessert, you're plotting against a brother. Sisters may hold grudges from a fight back when you were five, but since we're a forever bond, we have forever to work on forgiveness.
A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves, a special kind of double.
My sisters from others misters live in Arizona. One i've known since kindergarten, Tara and the other Tawnie, since first grade. They would call us the terrible T's.
Tara, the mischief maker and i would torture young souls in church by putting gum on the seats of girls with new dresses and playing hide and seek in the gym with no intention to ever actually find the hiders. I admit, I was a bully and to this day, Tara and i still feel pretty bad about it. I think most bully's do when they get older but as kids, you don't realize it. I was bullied and i was a bullier. These days there are tons of stories of bullying and i cringe at the thought of how we must have made Mary feel. (Go figure the girl we picked on in church was named Mary.)
Dear readers, At some point in life,Tara and i have both been smitten HARD by god and i'm beginning to think it was because of this.
Karma's a bitch.
Tawnie my twin and I would kill baby cactus's on our way to school by over watering them with our water bottles. This was unintentional, we literally thought the cactus's were hot from being left outside in the Arizona sun all day. We were always twins on twin day in elementary, and as i mentioned earlier, by some point in life, (Jr. High specifically) i began to get picked on and Tawnie would stand up for me. It helped that Tawnie became popular because she was killer at Basketball and her popularity carried into High School. Although, i moved states by then.
These are my girls, my best friends and sisters. Forever without a doubt.
And finally, my real and older sometimes pain in the ass but not so much anymore sister Bonnie who is 30 maybe 31, (whose counting anyway?) and my 24 year old self, when we are together, we both carry the minds of 16 year old girls. Bonnie is the older sister who has babysat both Tara and Tawnie when i was little, and terrorized all of us, especially Tawnie.
She is the gem of sisters however, if you call her past 10pm to come pick you up, she won't do it because she is a sleeping nazi. Come to think of it, ever since i was little my bedroom has always been next to Bonnie's and i can recount all the times we have walked into each others rooms bored and 5 hours later realized, "Wow i've been in here WAY too long, goodbye, nice chattin."
I always find it funny how you can talk to a sister for hours even when you live together, how much can there really be to talk about? well, a lot apparently. Plus when mom and dad don't agree with you, a sister always will.
I am blessed. I realized this, and i bawled because of it.
Because i love my sisters, because i miss my sisters, because i wish i had my younger sisters and just because crying just feels good.
To my boyfriend, I am sorry i have been so moody, I feel great now though! Just FYI.
